“There is no ‘the one’. Can you imagine if that one person you thought was ‘the one’ didn’t hear or want to obey God and marry you?"
"Then you would have no ‘right one’ the rest of your life!” chuckled Quek Shiwei, Director of Kallos*, in UNVEIL Heart-To-Heart-Talk (HTHT) online, organised by Cru Singapore (Click here for full talk).
*Kallos was founded in 2014 and seeks to empower young women to be advocates of inner beauty and confidence and to boldly live out their God-planned design. They run both a magazine and a web platform that speaks out on a range of issues from faith, to identity, to love and dating.
During this circuit breaker, where we have more bandwidth to think about life, some may find ourselves reflecting on our relationship status.
In this conversation between Shiwei and Ivin Vikesh, head of Cru Singapore’s Athletes-in-Action ministry, we collated the burning questions that you have about dating, love and relationships. Having been married for seven years, Shiwei shares her perspectives and some godly insights with us that we hope will help you too!
Shiwei on the left; Ivin on the right
1) How do I know if she/he is the right one?
“God gives us choices, different personalities, different paths in life to meet different types of people.”
“But if you’re talking about that ‘right one’— a deserving one, a good one, there are many principles and qualities to look at.”
“Some things I would consider are things like: do they treat their parents well? Are they a respectful and kind person? Is there chemistry, do you both click? Do your parents and friends like your partner?” Shiwei shared.
2) What should I look out for in a partner?
Speaking from her experience, Shiwei shared that before dating her now-husband, the Holy Spirit prompted her to look out for how he treats his mother to get a glimpse at how he would treat her in future.
“Beyond someone godly and prayerful, he needs to have a general sense of respect for people. I think when you observe him in different settings you get a sense of his character and if he’s someone for you,” she continued.
From a man’s perspective, Ivin added, “We need to take a look at ourselves first and ask—are we the kind of man a woman would want?”
“A lot of times we have high hopes for our partner; godly, good-looking, reads the Bible everyday, a Proverbs 31 woman.”
“But we really need to look at ourselves in the mirror first and ask: Am I actually marriable? Can I lead someone in a relationship? Have I grown in a way that has earned the lady’s respect?”
“If the answers are no, don’t look for a partner for now. Carry on growing yourself first,” Ivin concluded.
3) What should I do now as a single person to prepare myself for any future relationships?
To answer this, Shiwei pointed out that we need to ask ourselves two things—
A) What is the purpose of relationships?
B) What is the purpose of our lives?
She explained, “If the end goal of your life is to get married, then it’s one set of things you do as a single. But if your end goal is to glorify God, use your life for Him, then it’s a different set of things you do.”
She suggests a few of the following things:
“Someone once said, ‘Marriage is made up of two good forgivers’. It’s not fancy and romantic like in the movies—it’s two people choosing to make a relationship work. So when you’re single, focus on your interpersonal skills, on keeping good relationships with the people around you.”
“Do you honour your parents, are you able to forgive them for things they’ve done wrong? Are you able to communicate with your boss/friends/leaders? Are you able to voice out your expectations in a respectful and loving way? Are you able to reconcile with people?” Shiwei ended off.
4) What does the Bible say about flirting?
“There’s a whole book in the Bible about flirting—Song of Songs!”
“God created romance, but flirting has a bad connotation that you’re just out to tease someone, play with their heart. Obviously that kind of flirting is distasteful—and the Bible speaks clearly that we should not have obscene talk or lewd language,” said Shiwei.
Continuing, she reflected, “I think romance is God’s idea, and we often lose sight of that.”
“Sometimes, we forget that romance is at the heart of it. The romance we experience points us to the ultimate romance—God and the church, Christ and His bride.”
“All the love stories that we’re fed with just point us to the greatest Love Story.”
5) Am I settling for less if I use online dating platforms?
“There is no right or wrong when it comes to dating app or platforms. Going on a dating app can be an act of faith, or an act of fear,” Shiwei pointed out.
“The concern for ‘settling for less’ is if you do it out of a lack of faith that God can provide. But I have a friend that chose to use a dating app because she was ready for marriage. For her, going online was an act of faith to say that she’s putting herself out there, and not allow fear of rejection to stop her.”
“At the end of the day, I think it’s a personal conversation between you and God about when the right time is, and if you be using dating platforms at all—but I don’t think it’s a blanket rule,” she said.
To end off, Shiwei shared Nicky Gumbel’s ‘5Cs’ that have helped guide her decisions as she navigates through different questions in life. She explains it in the context of relationships here:
1) Commanding Scripture
“Look at the bible and see if there’s a specific command and you would have some wisdom. For example, the Bible says no sex before marriage, that’s a command—so that’s a clear-cut thing, you don’t have to wonder.”
2) Compelling Spirit
“Sometimes Holy Spirit impresses certain things on you—for example, ‘hey, that physical action might be taking things a bit too far’.”
3) Circumstantial Signs
“I’ve heard stories where certain people experience signs that seem to point to that one person, and they can’t ignore that fact.”
4) Counsel of the Saints
“Godly counsel is so important. Having parents, pastors, friends say that they think this is good for you.”
5) Common Sense
“If you have no chemistry with someone, he’s obviously not the one. Use common sense to manage for yourself—how far is too far, is he the right one, what kind of level of intimacy is appropriate, etc.”
Her closing thoughts on this conversation, Shiwei shared, “Above all, God is the source of wisdom. And the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord."
"It always comes back down to that—how much do you fear God and want to honour Him in your life? From there, a lot of these smaller questions fall into place.”
After 20 years in the profession of helping people, I have come to understand something: we cause much of our pain by the people we choose. In every kind of clinical issue that psychologists deal with, relationships are a big part of the picture in some way.
Shaping that foundation is critical, here are two helpful questions we should ask ourselves before a relationship spontaneously begins to grow.
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