Close

How to Know God

Do you ever wonder what Christians believe? Who Jesus is, what he did and why it matters? Get answers to these questions and more.

Spiritual Growth

Take the next step in your faith journey with resources on prayer, devotionals and other tools for personal and spiritual growth.

Life & Relationships

Explore resources to help you live out your life and relationships in a way that honors God.

Bible Studies

Find resources for personal or group Bible study.

Share the Gospel

Learn to develop your skills, desire and ability to join others on their spiritual journeys and take them closer to Jesus.

Help Others Grow

Help others in their faith journey through discipleship and mentoring.

Leadership Training

Develop your leadership skills and learn how to launch a ministry wherever you are.

Video

Browse videos designed to help you grow spiritually, share your faith, and lead others well.

Language Resources

View our top Cru resources in more than 20 languages.

Quizzes & Assessments

Have some fun taking various quizzes and assessments to learn about yourself and others.

Campus

Helping students know Jesus, grow in their faith and go to the world to tell others.

City

Reflecting Jesus together for the good of the city.

Inner City

Partnering with urban churches to meet physical and spiritual needs.

Athletes

Striving to see Christ-followers on every team, in every sport and in every nation.

Families

Equipping families with practical approaches to parenting and marriage.

High School

Reaching students and faculty in middle and high school.

Military

Bringing hope and resources to military families worldwide.

Locate Cru Near You

Explore Cru's global presence and discover how you can get involved in communities worldwide.

Mission Trips

Volunteer abroad this year on a short term global missions trip offered by one of the best, most-reliable Christian missions organizations in the world.

1-Year Full-Time Internships

Internship opportunities with Cru's ministries.

Careers

If you're looking for the best Christian jobs and careers, check out Cru's ministry job openings for full- and part-time missionaries and professionals.

Go International

Live in another country building relationships and ministries with eternal impact.

Volunteer Opportunities

Would you like to give your time to work with Cru? We need you.

Events

Find a Cru event near you.

Explore Your Interests

Use your hobbies and interests to find the best place for you to serve.

What We Do

How we seek to journey together with everyone towards a relationship with Jesus.

Donor Relations

Answers to questions on donations, financial policies, Cru’s annual report and more.

Our Leadership

Learn about Cru's global leadership team.

Cru Partnerships

When the global church comes together then powerful things can happen.

Storylines

Showing God in action in and through His people.

Press

Access Cru's latest news releases, media contacts, and background information on our global ministries and leadership.

0

How Could You Love Me if You Really Knew Me?

The teenage girl discreetly handed me the sticky note. I was speaking at an event about my experience with sexting and pornography. The front of the note read,

“I sent nudes to my boyfriend. Then he broke up with me. To get back at him, I sent them to his two best friends.”

On the back of the note, she had written four words,

“I FEEL SO LOST.”



Why not get together with a friend over coffee to discuss the Desire series?

Download our free discussion guide

Hiding the Real You

Have you ever thought, “If people really knew what I’ve done, and who I am, they wouldn’t love me.”

This is the core message of shame: people cannot love the real you.

Do you go to great efforts to hide your flaws and failures? You’re not alone.

Do you put up walls or put on a mask to keep people from knowing who you really are? You’re not alone.

Shame is fundamentally a crisis of identity. People who struggle with shame believe that they’re unworthy of love and incapable of good.

Shame Warps How We View Sex

When it comes to sexuality, shame takes something that’s good and twists it.

Healthy sexuality cannot be rooted in shame. It’s not possible.

Healthy sexuality is rooted in intimacy, which requires a sense of safety. Intimacy is knowing and trusting another person deeply. Shame is exactly the opposite. Shame and intimacy cannot coexist.

To experience a full, vibrant and healthy sexuality, you have to wage war on shame.

When you struggle or make bad choices, shame tells you to hide. Shame says to protect yourself and pretend.

The Roots of Shame

The Bible tells the story of Adam and Eve, the first man and woman. In the Garden of Eden, they enjoyed an intimate friendship with God and felt no shame.

Adam and Eve eventually disobeyed God’s instructions, and their immediate response was shame. They literally hid from God. Humans have been hiding from God ever since, especially when it comes to sexuality.

Sexual shame enters our lives in many ways. Sometimes it’s because of choices we’ve made, but it can also be caused by the actions of others.

Maybe you’ve experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault. As a result of someone else’s shameful actions, you may be left wondering if you can ever be truly loved.

What Does Shame Do to You?

  • Shame tells you that the people around you can never know who you really are or they will reject you. It sets you on a journey of masking your true self and/or isolating yourself.

  • Shame is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You assume people won’t accept you, so you protect yourself from being known in order to avoid rejection.

  • Shame makes you resist intimacy. When people walk away, you can feel justified in not trusting them.

Intimacy and Shame Cannot Coexist

Healthy sexuality and relationships require authentic intimacy. Otherwise, sex would be just an empty physical act, designed to pursue temporary pleasure or a false sense of security.

Sometimes people try to erase their shame by removing themselves from family, friends, church and other places that remind them of their negative feelings.

Shame by its nature is already emotionally isolating. You cannot overcome shame by isolating yourself and withdrawing from everyone around you.

Shame is overcome by honest relationships with others.

If you struggle with sexual shame, whether it’s rooted in your own choices or the actions of others, the first step toward healing is being honest. Tell someone. That can be a terrifying prospect, so it’s vital to seek out a safe person to tell.

How Do You Recognize a Safe Person or Community?

  1. Confidentiality. This can be formal, like a confidentiality agreement in a sexual recovery group, or informal, like verbal assurance from someone that they won’t share your struggle.

    If you choose to approach a counselor, teacher, church leader, or someone else with a formal position of authority, you should expect confidentiality. However, you may want to clarify any exceptions they might make. In schools and universities, for example, it may be required to report things like sexual abuse of a minor, rape and sexual assault.

  2. Commitment. Healing from sexual struggles and hurts is never as simple as a quick phone call. You need someone, or a group of people, who will walk through the process with you over a longer period of time. True healing and life change take time.

  3. Honesty. Look for a community where you can share and feel validated. You need a place where you can process your thoughts and feelings in a way that leads to genuine healing. Are the people in your community honest about themselves? Are they willing to be honest with you, even if you might not like it?

Shame is overcome by being honest about your pain and the specifics of your struggles or hurts. Don’t try to go through this alone.

Where Do You Go From Here?

  • List at least three people or groups you could talk with who fit the criteria above. List how they meet each criterion. (Find out more about accountability.)

  • Select the person or group you feel is the best fit. Commit to attending the next group meeting or arrange a time with that friend for coffee.

  • Read more articles in this series.Desire is a series for women that deals with sexual struggles, shame and hurt. “Do I Really Need to Tell Somebody?” has more information about overcoming shame and finding safe community.

For resources on this subject for men, check out the Flesh series.

Desire: A Series for Women

Jessica Harris an international speaker, blogger and author of two books: “Beggar’s Daughter” and “Love Done Right: Reflections.” To discover more resources for women struggling with sexual shame, visit Jessica’s website: www.beggarsdaughter.com.

Since 1951, Cru has helped individuals who grapple with integrating faith into daily life by offering practical steps and community support. As a result, countless people in over 190 countries have been empowered to move from passive belief to active faith.