I Couldn't Forgive Myself
My past was very colored.
I drank and partied a lot, and once terminated a pregnancy, which I struggled with the most.
Even though I didn't know God personally, I felt I had made a decision against God's will in choosing to end something that He created. I really found that difficult.
Ken and I had been together for about 10 years when in fall of 2006 my daughter, Ashton, and I moved into Ken's house to see if we could work things out.
It was not the easiest of times.
Going to Church to Be Better Parents
A year later, Ken — though not a Christian — felt that we should go to church. He was brought up in the church and wanted Ashton to have a little bit of the sheltered life he had known.
Honestly, I just pacified him in doing what he wanted.
But the church didn't feel as cold to me as the old one I had sometimes attended on holidays. The speaker talked about the life I have led in ways that were relevant, so I kept going back.
Could God Forgive Me Even Though I Could Not?
I tried really hard to forgive myself and struggled with the thought that the Lord would forgive me if I asked Him to do that.
I was tearful for about 2 weeks — reading, exploring, and trying to understand forgiveness.
One night, feeling really low at church, it dawned on me that I couldn't forgive myself.
I actually had to go to Him. I needed to go and ask God into my life.
I didn't want 300 to 400 others see my heart broken before God as I went to the front of the church, but that is what happened.
Afterward, it was like a great weight had lifted off of my shoulders. Today, I know my sins are forgiven and when I leave this earth, I will spend eternity with Him.
My Husband and Daughter Also Changed
A few weeks later Ken came home and said that he had accepted Christ. Shortly after, Ashton asked God into her life.
Life is not easier. We still have the same problems, but we feel that He is with us all the time. We are not on our own anymore. We trust that God will look after us.
Our relationship has turned such that we got married this September. But had we not walked through the doors of that church last year, I don't think we would be together today.
We are learning how much the Lord forgives us and how we can learn to forgive each other.
