I put my faith in Christ as a child of 10 at a church youth outreach. The gospel was explained to me by a young woman who, along with her husband, would later be a missionary in Peru. I still have the letter she wrote explaining the decision I'd made and encouraging me to continue trusting the Lord.
I loved the people where I first found Jesus, but it was a fundamental church, so there were a lot of things we just didn't do — movies, dances, drinking. Even high school proms were replaced by a semi-formal Christmas banquet. Somehow, in my mind, I developed the idea that God liked me better than other people because I didn't do the things on my personal list of don'ts. Like the old saying, "I don't drink, smoke or chew or go with guys who do."
"I developed the idea that God liked me better than other people because I didn't do the things on my personal list of don'ts."
This was my own personal legalism. I was never taught at this church that these rules were necessary for salvation or God's acceptance. But I cherished the illusion that if I followed this particular set of laws, I would be OK with God. It was years before I realized the other part of this illusion, that I could do whatever else I wanted as long as I kept this small list of rules. I was just like the self-righteous Pharisee in Luke 18.
The first time this illusion was challenged, I was working as staff on an Inner City Summer Project in Chicago. A building was donated to then-Campus Crusade to be used for ministry in a depressed neighborhood in the Roseland community of Chicago. It eventually became the Agape Center, a beautiful facility providing help and hope to the community. But at that time, it was a gutted stair factory with rats on the main floor and a one-bedroom apartment on the second floor. There was one bathroom for the 14 of us on the project. It was my role as a fairly new staff person to oversee the women on the project and keep things running smoothly at the Agape Center.
It didn't take long for the Chicago summer heat and the cramped living quarters to fray the edges of my cherished illusion. I was hot, sleep-deprived and feeling like a failure. On the roof of the factory, alone with God, I looked for comfort from Him. At least I wasn't like some of the other staff and students. I was still keeping my rules. So of course, God liked me better than them.
"No, I don't," God said.
"What?!" I said.
"No, I don't!" He repeated.
"What do you mean, Lord? This is how Christianity works. I keep the rules, and You like me."
"No, I don't."
"Well, then how do I know if You love me without some way to measure it?" I said.
"I love you," He said. "You have to believe Me. You just have to take me at My word and believe it."
That was the first crack in the wall, chink in the armor, I had built around me to deal with my fear of God not loving me because I wanted to keep control of my life. For years I wrestled with the issue of trusting God and His love. And for years, He has been patient, gentle and kind with me, loving me regardless of my hard head and heart, teaching me about His grace and mercy despite my insistence on having my own way.
"That was the first crack in the wall, chink in the armor, I had built around me to deal with my fear of God not loving me because I wanted to keep control of my life."
A few years ago, I came across the idea of affirmations, repeatedly stating something one believes to be true. So I decided to start my own affirmation, beginning with one of my favorite Bible passages, Exodus 34:6-7. This is what God says about Himself.
"The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out,
'Yahweh! The Lord!
The God of compassion and mercy!
I am slow to anger
and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.
I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.
But I do not excuse the guilty.
I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren;
the entire family is affected — even children in the third and fourth generations.'"
(New Living Translation)
That's a lot of love and mercy, and I need all of it!
I began quoting these verses daily at the beginning of my quiet times. This was just as I entered a time of challenging health issues that led to two surgeries and two injuries over six years. Since that time, I have added other verses that speak to the character of God and my response to Him. The well-loved and often-quoted passage in Deuteronomy 6:5 commands me to love God with all that I am — heart, soul, mind and strength; Deuteronomy 10:15-16 tells me even though God owns everything — the heavens, the earth, the sea — He chose me as the object of His love. My response should be to change my heart and stop being stubborn. I confess I am only starting to learn how well-entrenched my stubbornness is.
Through that time of injury and recovery, God in His mercy raised me out of a wheelchair five times and let me walk again. If that wasn't enough to prove His love and grace, He spared me in a car accident that totaled the car. At fault for the crash, a friend dropped me off at my court hearing, declaring I would be there all day. I was to call him when my hearing was over. Unexpectedly, the judge called me first and let me go without having to pay the $100 fine. When my friend, surprised that I called him within the hour, returned to court to take me home, he marveled at the favor shown by the judge.
"God likes me better," I responded.
Deuteronomy 30:6 says, "The Lord your God will change your heart …… so that you will love Him with all your heart and soul and so you may live" (NLT).
Recently, I realized how God had been working in my heart, taking away the stone and replacing it with flesh that is responsive to Him. It was all His doing through the Holy Spirit and the Word. The more I said my affirmations, the more I experienced them as true in me.
"I consider myself a recovering Pharisee, no longer trusting in my ability to keep my own set of rules to earn God's love."
So the Lord has brought me from thinking He didn't like me at all, to thinking He liked me better because of what I did not do to finally knowing that He loves me more than I can ever comprehend no matter what I do. I consider myself a recovering Pharisee, no longer trusting in my ability to keep my own set of rules to earn God's love.
There's so much more I could tell you of the ways God has been gracious and merciful to me. He is everything He said about Himself. Now I know God likes me better because that's who He is.
Photo at top by Al Hortas / Unsplash.
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Michelle A. Melchor is a writer and lead editor for Cru Inner City. She has served with Cru for 48 years.
