I grew up in the church. My mom brought us to church every week. I was always one of those “I am perfect”-type of girls. I always did my memory verse on the way to church. I was the goody-two-shoes.
But I judged people a lot because if other people weren’t doing good things I was doing, I thought they were a little bit worse than me.
I remember thinking, why don’t I sin more? Whenever I had to do that exercise where we had to write down our sins and nail them to a cross I would always write down one and say I just can’t think of anymore. That sounds so stupid now.
I made my salvation decision when I was 5-years-old. These people came to my church and told the gospel through puppets. And the lady said, “Who wants to pray?” And I said, “Me.” I remember putting my hand down when she walked by because I got scared, but I did pray.
Then in 7th grade, I entered youth group. I was so excited to be in youth group. My sisters were in it and they always had so much fun. I think at the first retreat is when I first experienced God’s presence. From that point on I knew He was real. There was no denying that part of it. I knew He loved me and that He sent His Son for my salvation.
But I still didn’t understand why I needed salvation because I didn’t realize my brokenness. I thought I was not so bad. I thought, I’m okay. Yeah, Christ died for me, but…
From that point on, I was relatively on and off. I did my devotions. Senior year I was characterized by achievement and doing really well in school. But I didn’t get into the colleges I wanted.
The summer after senior year I went to a bunch of conferences. At one of the conferences during the worship I realized how broken I really was. Through all that time, I was not realizing my sin—that was the biggest sin of all. I was so prideful. So focused on achieving in my own right. I didn’t realize how broken and depraved I really was.
That point was the start, and then I went to college.
I think the last year I have been realizing more and more, God revealing to me more and more of my sins. In a good way, it feels terrible, but in a really good way.
Attrace, a junior at Cal Berkeley, is pursuing a double major in social welfare and environmental science. Attrace grew up in Massachusetts, but now her family lives in San Diego.
If you are reading this and for some reason you hate God, and you feel alone, know that He is constantly loving you. He will turn the situation around. Therefore, choose God as He chooses you.
It could be said that I grew up in the church, however, my heart was not entirely in it.
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