The Desire Series

Is There A Better Way To Be Single and Sexual?

Jessica Harris

Being single is hard. There’s no point denying it.

Single woman trying to live according to God’s design for sex face some particular challenges.

If you’re a woman who feels she has a high sex drive, singleness may feel like torture.

Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions?

  • Why would God give me this sex drive then tell me not to use it?
  • If God loves me so much, why isn’t He bringing me a husband?
  • How do I get a guy to notice me?

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My life plan was to get married at 21.

I assured people that I wasn’t going to drive to Vegas the night before my 22nd birthday to marry some stranger. But honestly, as my 21st birthday came and went, Vegas looked like an option.

After spending years struggling with porn, lust and fantasy, I couldn’t imagine waiting even longer to have sex. I needed to get married as soon as possible!

The moment a man said “hi” to me, I sized him up for a tux and imagined what he would be like in bed. I couldn’t maintain friendships with men and found myself constantly frustrated, desperate for love, attention and sexual satisfaction.

I was trying to honor God by waiting for marriage to have sex, but I couldn’t figure out why God was making me wait.

Eleven years later, I’m still not married.

This hasn’t been an easy journey, but here’s some things I’ve learned along the way.

Developing self-control in specific areas helps you live a satisfying life as a single woman. I think of it in terms of ways I was tempted to give myself away too much and too soon.

3 ways we give ourselves away as single women:

1. We Give Away Our Bodies Prematurely

Waiting for marriage before we have sex is a way of saying, “I value myself and my body and believe it should be respected and not used.”

We sell ourselves short by giving our bodies to someone too soon.

Perhaps it’s a simple hook up with a friend or stranger, or it’s posting suggestive photos to social media or sending a sexual text.

Maybe you’ve been with your boyfriend for several years and plan to marry, so you don’t think sexual boundaries are a big deal for you.

Or perhaps you’re goofing off with your roommate one night, and it turns into something more sexual.

Sometimes we want attention and think that choosing clothing that makes others see us in a sexual way is the way to get it.

Our hunger for acceptance and struggle to feel loved, can cause us to use our bodies to draw people into unhealthy relationships with us.

Value Your Body The Way God Does.

  • The Bible describes your body as God’s temple, a place where His presence lives and can be experienced by others.
  • God sees your body as His incredible and unique creation.
  • The Bible singles out sexual sin because of its damaging effects on your body.

If you find this hard to believe, you’re not alone. Read Psalm 139 and you’ll hear another person struggling to accept how God sees them.

When you see your body as a collection of organs and urges, sex becomes primarily about meeting physical needs. It was meant to be so much more than that.

Your body is precious to God. So imagine He’s marked it – HANDLE WITH CARE.

2. We Give Away Our Hearts

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was in college. When a young man was interested in me, one of my guy friends said, “Don’t marry him until you marry him.”

It’s so easy to give our hearts away to someone, even when we aren’t dating them.

Have you ever heard of love addiction?

Love addiction is the idea that we need someone’s affection so desperately that we’ll do anything to get it.

We are in love with the idea of being in love.

Some women hop from relationship to relationship, throwing their hearts at whoever might catch it.

It’s the perfect recipe for having your heart broken by people who never promised to care for it in the first place.

3. We Give Away Our Minds

This is perhaps the most common problem. But we rarely talk about it.

Do you ever imagine what life might be like with that guy from your English class? Or someone in your workplace?

You don’t even know his name, but you lie in bed dreaming about life with him.

He might not even be real.

Do you find yourself comparing other men to your fantasy? This can wreck your ability to have healthy relationships.

The Bible encourages us to take these thoughts captive by focusing our minds on Jesus.

Jesus is the only man who will never disappoint you.

Gaining control of our thought lives is vital for living life as a single Christian woman.

When your mind drifts into the realm of fantasy, don’t just “change the channel,” by trying to think about something else. Acknowledge the struggle and replace the fantasy with truth.

Here’s a simple prayer I use to exchange a fantasy for a truth:

“Dear God, I’m struggling with sexual thoughts about this person in my class/dorm/church. I know You’ve given me my sexual desires for a reason, but I know this isn’t how You want me to use them.

Please help me to honor You in how I think about and interact with people, and in how I express my sexuality. Amen.”

No it’s not easy being sexual and single. But we are capable of healthy, God-honoring relationships as we practice self-control with our sex drives.

“Make Singles Miserable” is not God’s motto. He intends sexuality to be enjoyed, not just endured.

He isn’t trying to stifle us. He’s determined to protect us and help us grow into healthy adults. So He asks us to trust Him with our desires, including our sexual desires.

Our sexuality is a gift. But God is the giver, and He knows how the gift is best enjoyed.

So where do you go from here?

  • Think about ways you “push the boundaries” when it comes to your sexuality.
  • Which are you more tempted to give away and how - your heart, body, or mind?
  • Who can help you address those issues?


Jessica Harris an international speaker, blogger and author of Beggar’s Daughter and Love Done Right: Reflections. To discover more resources for women struggling with sexual sin, visit Jessica’s website:

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