When was the last time you had to think before answering a question? The answer wasn't on the tip of your tongue, nor was an answer already rehearsed and delivered several times. Rather, someone asked a question that really made you think. Perhaps you said something like, "uh, that's a good question. Let me think about it." Or maybe you responded, "I don't know, hm..." Or perhaps you ignored the invitation to a quiet space and charged ahead with the first thing that flashed through your mind.
I've responded in the latter more often than the former, to the detriment of my team, my friends and my family. Rushing to fill the silence with a quick wit and clever reply is a disservice to the people around me in several ways. Here are 4 things I'm learning about good questions.
[*photo at right by IamNotUnique (Flickr Creative Commons)]
[caption id="attachment_9255" align="alignright" width="300"]
photo by Steve A Johnson (Flickr Creative Commons)[/caption]
If I can answer a question without thinking of the answer then I'm simply rehashing what I already know. But a well worded question which I can't answer immediately is an invitation to grow. It invites me to a quiet space, to step out of the rush of information, and spend a few moments in a safe place of reflection and pondering.
It's in that quiet space of reflection that many people are able to make connections and actually learn. That's where the "ah-ha" moments of growth often take place. I can short-circuit my own growth when I refuse to pause, and I can short-circuit others' growth when I fill the silence.
As I fight my urge to blabber on while others are quietly thinking, I repeat to myself, "Shut your pie-hole. Shut your pie-hole." Then I start craving pie. Pumpkin pie or apple?
Did and do aren't very powerful for the answer is simply yes or no, like ticking off an item on a check list. While why has its place, it tends to make people defensive (as in, Why did you say that!? ) and can alter the tone of an interaction. It can shut down a conversation or increase the aggression. Neither are productive.
Who, where, when, what, how: these words tend to start intriguing questions. Some of my go-to questions are:
1. Who can help you with that? (enlisting help and empowering others)
2. Where can you work on that? (creating an environment for creativity and growth rather than drudgery)
3. Realistically, when will you work on that? (assessing and embracing reality)
4. What needs to change to create space for this? (acknowledging the need)
5. How can you get around that obstacle? (inspiring options)
[caption id="attachment_9256" align="alignright" width="300"]
photo by Nicola (Flickr Creative Commons)[/caption]
To say that I've been stumped by a question makes it seem like someone is trying to trick me, or pull something over on me. But being stumped by a question is such a good thing, and there's nothing tricky about it. When baffled or perplexed, I have to think and pray and rely on the Holy Spirit rather than on my experience, insight, or assumptions. Changing my point of view and increasing my awareness are healthy and helpful.
That pause you have to take before answering a question, that's the place of powerful shifts in perspective. That's when someone else can draw out what the Holy Spirit has already poured into you (see Keith Webb's book The Coach Model For Christian Leaders ).
It's really hard to know everything about everyone's problem set. When someone asks me a question, I'm aware that there are aspects of their context that I don't know about, so answering them off the cuff or glibly can be reckless. But when I ask someone a question, rather than giving them a pat answer, I can help them learn, process and grow, empowering them to take their next right step in ministry and life.
As we work with teams, volunteers or student leaders, I know our hearts are aligned in helping people walk with God for a lifetime. While giving an answer feels expedient in the short term, it's actually detrimental to their growth in the long term. Helping people learn to think for themselves and trusting the Holy Spirit within them honors God's design in their life.
And let's face it: People do what they want to do, and seldom do what you tell them to do. Why bother wasting effort? Let them come up with their next steps and they'll own it, discover motivation and take action. Brilliant.
A few years ago my summer project team used the EQi assessment to help staff grow in one targeted area over the 6 weeks we were together. My "impulsivity score" was low, meaning I often replied without even taking a breath. As one of the directors, and working with a team of people I didn't know well, I felt responsible to have answers for everyone. But using the PDP to develop practical ways to increase my impulsivity score (thus lowering my impulsiveness), I started responding with, "that's a good question. Let me think on that and get back to you," to nearly every question I was asked.
At times it felt tedious and following up with people later was a bit draining. Yet it started a shift in my perspective , and in how I view myself. I realized that I didn't have to be the expert or the knowledge master. And given the additional time my new discipline of response afforded others, most people figured out the answers on their own. They didn't need me as much as I thought they did. It was simply easier to ask me than to think it out on their own. And with me being so good at dispensing answers, well, it was the perfect environment to foster codependent relationships (haha. Not really. But yes.).
In my current role as a Leadership Coach in New York City, I listen and ask a lot of questions. My goal is not to tell people what to do, but rather to create the space for the Holy Spirit to produce a shift in perspective. Sometimes we hit a homerun with a major breakthrough, and sometimes we don't. Nevertheless, I prayerfully lean into the Holy Spirit to speak to people more loudly than I do. I want them to remember his voice, not mine.
©1994-2020 Cru. All Rights Reserved.
