My Jerry Maguire Moment

A few weeks ago I was spending my mandated half day with the Lord. I didn’t want to do it. I was thinking to myself, “I have too much going on to take an afternoon off and spend it with someone that doesn’t care about me.”

Did I just say that? Where did that come from? Do I really believe that God does not care about me?

On my drive to my favorite spot to spend with God, I started processing that thought. Why did I think that? Yes, it was a fleeting thought, but it revealed something deeper that was going on inside my heart. I was resentful. I was not happy with Jesus and what He was doing to me.

It’s been a rough three years for my family with MPD and definitely more so in the past year. My wife actually pointed out with a slight smile on her face that in the past year, anytime we made intentional time and put in concentrated effort in our MPD work, we would begin to lose partners. Big partners. And always without warning.

I remember last Thanksgiving I was begging God to give me an MPD win. It had been a tough few months where I faced rejection after rejection and was making no progress. I just prayed, no, I begged God for a win. I needed something to latch onto to give me hope. I wanted a faith story where I would pray fervently and God would answer and provide. I wanted one of those stories so that I could erect a mental stone monument to remember a time when I was desperate and God came through.

A few days later I took a day trip and drove 2.5 hours for an MPD appointment. On my drive home, I was doing my own Jerry McGuire drive home, blasting “ Free Falling ”, excited because I landed not only a new monthly partner, but a big one too. This was it! This is the faith story that I wanted. This was the big win that I prayed begged for. The 200 mile drive home felt like a stroll in the park. I sang and praised God at the top of my lungs for the drive home well into the night.

“We are leaving your team.” Not again . “We feel led by the Lord to direct our giving elsewhere.” You’ve got to be kidding me. That same partner that was my faith story and my MPD “win” was leaving our team after being with us for barely six months. In the next few days, two more partners also left our team. And what was I doing during that week? I was being faithful and inviting people to be a part of our ministry.

Now I was really feeling like Jerry Maguire; losing “clients” and having that coveted draft pick snatched from under my nose.

I was devastated, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that I hated God for it -- and that resentment towards Him had been festering for months. How dare you, God? How dare you when I’m sacrificing myself, doing your work. Can’t you be kind to me? If this is how you treat those who love and serve you, then I’m out.

Those are some scary words and frightening thoughts coming from someone who is a “professional” Christian. Did I just give God an ultimatum? I hope He didn’t hear me say that.

My moment of blasphemy revealed a very dark nature about myself: I was ungrateful for everything that God had done for me. My MPD was struggling, but I always had enough to pay my mortgage, to put food on the table, and to pay all our bills. Just the other day, my wife pulled up the total amount that people had given to us during our five years on Staff. We had one partner give well over $20,000 and another that was nearing that mark. All of that was in five years or less.

I was immediately humbled by those numbers. How foolish for me to resent God when things were “tough.” But in the grand scheme of things, things weren’t even that bad. I spent my half day with the Lord processing my nonsensical childish behavior. I still had a long list of things to do, our MPD still needs a lot of work, but I have a new mental stone monument to commemorate this moment. I want to remember this dark period in my life where I had the audacity to give the God of the universe an ultimatum. I want to remember how asinine I was and never return to this place again.

I drove home from my half day, blasting “ Free Falling .” Not because I picked up a partner or my to-do list shrank but because I am right with the Lord. And, just as Jerry Maguire realized in the film, I’ve come to understand that the quality of my most important relationship was most important. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa98yttfhMY

Photo by Omer Karamollaoglu