40 Days of Purpose
Monday, Day 5
One night last week, I made a decision to stay home. I’ve learned that in order to press in with God, it will take clearing some mental and emotional space.
So, I had a quiet dinner, relaxed in front of the T.V. for an hour, had an unhurried conversation with my grandma and went to bed early. When the lights went out and the room went quiet, my head and heart began to reconnect. And the tears flowed.
So, I did what I have done since high school. I pulled out my journal and began to write an honest prayer to God. Elements of fear, frustration, discouragement, conflicted emotions; deep questions and hurts flowed out on the page.
The next day I reviewed my midnight journaling session and a question started haunting me. The basis of my struggles all pertain to the curse that was put on all mankind and recorded in Genesis 3.
When Adam and Eve chose rebellion against God in paradise, the world as it was created was forever stained by selfishness, mistrust in God, greed, silence and several dozen other dark words.
Everything I have ever known is broken. Relationships, starry nights, weather patterns, heart motives...everything.
If I were in Adam or Eve's position after the fall, just East of the garden's gate, I wonder, what or whom would I miss the most? Would I miss the gifts of the garden more than face-to-face conversations with God?
If I’m honest, I often want the gifts more than the giver. Do you do that?
Like Adam and Eve, I let the enemy question my knowledge of God’s heart and character. I begin to question His motives, His timing or His plan. A few mental sidesteps later and my view of my Savior is completely distorted. I often start to think that I need to somehow protect myself from God. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I hope one benefit of this 40-day process will be a deeper appreciation for Jesus – The Sacrificial Lamb. I want to know Him. I want to be certain of His qualifications. Every Monday I plan to look at Jesus’s character instead of my own. I want to shape my life in response to what is true about Him, not the gifts he gives.